Goodhearted the 1st called “The Good King”

Goodhearted the 1st (and the last) called (posthumous) “the Good King”, was a ruler with a very enlightened spirit.

He himself, was against monarchy, thinking that men are all equal and that they should be treated with dignity and decide for themselves on their destiny.

Nevertheless, not being a stupid, he did not abdicate by virtue of the fact that he saw his population, by long tyranny oppressed and left to itself, only used for going to war, to work and also pay taxes on the goods of its own work, were rude and unable to choose its own good.

People were wild, constantly engaging in brawls and stealing, they were heavy minded and vulgar, illiterate, superstitious, bullying towards the ones who was possible to do so and servile to all the rest, and much more despicable than decency allows us to report.

So Goodhearted the 1st, before giving up power, what he was willing to do,  promulgated very unusual laws, schools were opened and people were commanded to go there and learn! He built new clean and paved roads, public toilets, bathrooms, libraries, theaters, and much more.

But the people murmured and complained! “What is this new thing? …The school, which takes our time away from the inn, after having worked hard! And we will never use it for anything!” Or: “prior, to travel from one village to another, it took a whole day, you got completely dirty in mud, but when you arrived, however … what a satisfaction! Today everything is fast, clean, easy… what poetry is in what you do?” And deluded things like that they were ranting.

Goodhearted the 1st listened to them and reduced the working hours, by finding ingenious ways to increase efficiency; he paid skilled foreigners that would introduce, and if necessary invent, machinery and pumps for agriculture, he modernized work and maximized the production.

The people complained of this newfangled devilry: “where will we end up if we do not exercise muscles anymore? Will we be only brain? We will become as soft as butter!” Or: “here we are, playing at being God! Is it not normal that the crop would be always good, year after year…”

So, Goodhearted the 1st endowed towns and villages with gyms and sword masters, so that all the people learned how to handle sharp weapons and not end up killed soon and in large quantities if sent to war, as in the past it happened. So at the same time, they were allowed to pursue the physical part of life, that seemed legitimate to the king.

People complained! Since they had learned how to read and write, protest pamphlets rained! “That is the true purpose of the King! He wants us to be soldiers and make us die in war, like everyone else did before…” Or: “he wants us to be professional assassins! And as Aristotle says…” They used all the arguments in a dumb, fucked up way, since they had no real understanding of anything.

The king, so, created many playgrounds for ancient football. But people complained! “Now everyone goes to the stadium! You know how they live, those who are dedicated to football? More and better than me, that I have wife and children and I’m cultivating the land from morning to night, and furthermore I can fence for my fatherland!” They all had completely forgotten how it was before, when they really cultivated the land from morning to night, they were filthy, uneducated and heavily beaten, covered in big purple bruises.

After forty years of his reign, however, people complained, but everything was unrecognizable: clean, prosperous, peaceful! Everything was gone, like it or not, according to the plans. So Goodhearted the 1st was about to abdicate, even having decided, since according to him it was impossible to give birth to someone more evolved and civilized than him, and he was not willing to bullfight every day with human imbecility, even in the family, nor to have offspring.

The kingdom, however, was so beautiful that the next monarch: Hardybold “the Wrangler” the 3rd, became greedy! And he decided to invade it. Goodhearted the 1st had to respond and send troops to the border, to his anger and despair.

The citizens rose up! “War never! Supreme of the atrocities!” The mothers tore their clothes, soaked with their perennial role of retarded weaning moms: “our children sacrificed…!” and still the lousy ones with their crooked mouths: “it is easy to make war from the comforts of the castle…”

The good king, so, to lead by example and to galvanize the people, went to war! The wise men in the court begged him not to go: “If you die, your majesty …What will the people do?!” But Goodhearted the 1st did not give up!

Once on the front, he spoke and made the most beautiful speech that a King ever did! The scribe diligently transferred it all on parchment with difficulty, wiping the copious tears that were flowing down his face with the sleeve of his red jacket, while the king was intoning his chant of hope and freedom! Applauses! Emotions! Cries! Then he poured all his courage, despite being senile, into the battle.

People, nonetheless, fought listlessly, being nostalgic for home, indolent, distrustful, and that even if the good King was creating carnage, he by himself: delivering sword blows left and right.

At the decisive moment, the support attack arrived late and weak! The king died on the battlefield! The kingdom fell.

Hardybold “the Wrangler” the 3rd took possession of the royal castle the very day. He beheaded all the wise men. After cleaning his ass with it, he burned the only copy of the king’s speech, which in fact we do not know other than by the moved memories of the survivors, to whom all, the new tyrant, commanded to cut off their right hands, since they dared to… as well as their cocks and balls, just for mockery. “Ah! How good was the king! And how nice was the past!” That past was better than the past that seemed to have been better than that past now gone!

The terrible despot devoted himself, immediately and with perseverance and a never seen before power, to rape all fertile women of the kingdom, from the first menstruation on, due to the fact that his greatest ambition was to change from being called “the Wrangler” to “the Father of All People”. He took it quite literally, didn’t he?

Schools were closed, and other taverns were opened, people were beaten with a beech stick (women with thorny rose branches) until the most docile of submissions (easily obtained). He humiliated and degraded the conquered population, calling it “the stinky pieces of smelly guano”, and he always preferred his own people to the other, and assigned to it the worst jobs.

People then, had no way to complain anymore! Since the penalty was death!

(Visited 35 times, 1 visits today)