My ideal biography

First of all, I write a series of books; each and every one of them are: as deep as those of Leopardi, technical and erudite such as Dante’s, witty and ironic as Wilde, inspired as the Gospels, loved as Sherlock Holmes, delirious as Bukowski, symbolic as Moby Dick, and much more.

After that, I convince most of the politicians of Earth that “science is the best”, I contribute with my essay to implement a wise birth control program and to rid the world of hunger. Thanks also to my contribution, in a decade, the prosperity of the people is raised in a way previously unseen. Kissing, hugging, medals and plaques.

Thanks to my persuasive speech on secularism, all Islam listens to me and becomes moderate and cooperative; but the drug cartels do not, so I am sent to South America, where I destroy them completely, killing each boss and their closest collaborators with my own hands in dangerous SWAT raids.

I retire from active political life and spend several decades between parties and receptions, loved by all, popular, witty, sarcastic, and filling myself with hors d’oeuvre, canapés and quality gin. Everyone invites me, everyone loves me, but, bashful, I am still used to spending months and months in quite secluded places, perhaps with old friends in laundry sweaters, between the cellars of Arquata del Tronto (Italy), or why not, with boots and plaid shirts, on ranches in Arizona.

I know the greatest scientists in the world, I am a close friend of Obama, and everyone wants to know my opinion or seek advice, I do not give it imprudently, however.

An afternoon at Wijk aan Zee, I am invited to a surprise game at the table of the chess world champion, a friendly advertising game proposed by Coke, and after a siege of eight hours and a grueling exhibition of fine positional game, with a brilliant combination of three minor pieces, I win the challenge, with blacks! Congratulations, comments, whispers, and Coke finally breaks through in Eastern markets.

Then I beat the heavyweight world champion of boxing in the fifth round with a devastating left uppercut and a series of direct jabs; the referee stops the fight! I carry only a fierce eyebrow cut that, when older, will give me a even more intense look, and will be reproduced by illustrators from across the world, including Africans with their superb wooden totems.

Finally, I decide to join the first mission for the exploration of the Galaxy of Andromeda. After all, I am 245 years old, immensely rich, there is nothing left on the earth for me; after having secured a wealthy future for my family, I give the rest to a foundation for the atheist education of poor children with an IQ above 110 points, from middle school to university. Thousands and thousands of people of every race and condition will become the engine of renewal and of the future.

Nobody will know anything else about me, the mission, and all the comrades, only a radio message will arrive, centuries later from the ship, with confused sounds of a struggle and rumble, inhuman growls, screams and laser shots.

Any other life, of course, would not satisfy me, stop asking!

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