THE SECRET COOKBOOK OF MONSIEUR DE L’HOROREÉ. Episode 1

Episode 1:  The Delicacies of Monsieur De L’Hororeé

Monsieur De L’Hororeé, Monsieur Orridh De L’Hororeé, is an ancient French (so it is supposed) aristocrat inexplicably stumbled from antiquity until today, in good health and without evident changes. He himself, perhaps, does not know how it occurred to have such a long and placid, unnatural old age, which it seems will not at all become complicated.

Bony, gaunt, pale as rice paper and soberly prone to subtle melancholy and boredom, he remained in dressing and primping rather anchored to the past centuries. He insists on marking a fake mole on his porcelain cheek. His laces are not as fresh and lively as they used to be, but he wears them anyway, elegantly. Even so, worn satin of the dress coat sometimes changes color on the sides.

His beautiful country palace is no longer frequented by the numerous acquaintances of the past; extinguished are the echoes of the baroque orchestras that performed blindfolded dances and jigs; now a different music sounds less processed and mourned. Times have changed! His service staff is bare-bones; the splendid and multitudinous evenings and bacchanalia, that lasted whole days, have been substituted by the most meager dinners, set up with carefully selected and elected diners, but both he and his house are, however, known and venerated by all those who “count” in the world.

Friend of every powerful, and belonging to a powerful ancient race himself, a man of culture and excelled refinement, occultist, Freemason, theologian, demonologist, anthropologist and scientist, with a list of titles that would dwarf a king, is sometimes consulted by virtue of his omniscient historical practice. Slightly bored by the vicissitudes of power and of the world, currently he prefers to devote himself to his oldest and most persistent hobby: cooking.

We peeked in his secret notebook, a recipe book where he, from time immemorial, is pinning recipes, comments, processes and tricks to get the best food that this world has ever tasted. Combining long practice for a fine palate, his creations will be bizarre to most people, but they are much appreciated by the guests, as famous and wealthy as he is.

If you would happen to be invited for dinner, we would suggest not to go, and above all, do not ever mention the fact of knowing the notes of his quire. If he would ever refer or mention something that you already know and have read, pretend to ignore it and be surprised, or the consequences could be disastrous.

Read, if you please, about his delicacies, but I beg you, shhh! Not a word to anyone!

 

  1. A Roast as God Intended

The secrets of a roast are basically three: the quality of the meat, the long cooking of it, and basting. It is generally believed that a good roast should be prepared for a dozen hours. This is extremely wrong! It takes a least twenty-four hours! But the most important thing is that the oven starts at a low temperature, just above the level of cooking, about 80 Celsius, for a few hours and that the prey is still alive and able to move when it is pushed into the oven.

It has to be considered necessary to sew the lips of the victim, in order not to have to bear the petitions and cries echoing throughout the whole building, and especially to have a combustion chamber adjacent to that of cooking. It will permit the smoking of the meat, and at the same time it will avoid that, in the necessary agony (that can last longer than you think), the embers are not stomped by the still living main course, and that it does not affect the flavor and shape of the meat.

After death, frequent and abundant basting with a mixture of brown stock or broth and red wine will be needed to ensure the smoothness of the plate. The applause of the diners are foregone.

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