Vegetables are not such

There is no distinction between animals and plants, or better said: even the plants are animals.

This fallacious distinction between the two apparently different life forms is created by human culture (and shared with every other unsuspecting animal) due to the fact that the plants are animals that do not like to be seen while behaving as such, thus, when someone watches them, they take on a different appearance.

They behave in a different way, if viewed, they freeze, hiding their zoological attributes, mouth and teeth, tail, or reproductive holes, etc. But they are mammals, however! Algae, hazelnut, mauve, carrots, truffles, peppers, everyone.

With evolution, they have perfected their camouflage skills, such as they can know exactly, and even predict scrupulously and infallibly, when someone will look in their direction. Even if they were a thousand miles away (tomatoides are especially great travelers)  as the gardener turns the eye on the wattle, here is the tomato, it appears roguish, green or red, sometimes yellow, dangling like a jerk where it is supposed to remain throughout all its existence.

They have great pride, the plants, proud, very misanthropic, and Stoics like no other. Out of spite, they are not easily dragged in this sordid murderous game, typical of Nature. And they even pose no resistance to their suppression. Do you want to catch them and eat them? You can do it! Take a peach, an apricot, a fig from the tree, and eat them. Zucchini, proudly, they will not make a move! They will be cut into pieces without complaint, without even blinking!

It is known that the zucchini, for example, yields to death only when they are cut completely in half, or sliced more than two thirds, or boiled for over five minutes of agony, and so it is for the eggplant.

Some plants, because of their shape, before being cruelly slaughtered and eaten, are used, and they were used particularly in the past, as instruments for female pleasure, which made their lives much more pleasant than the average plants. Normally they leave this world muddy and earthy, dusty and with traces of bluish copper water, up to the counter of the supermarket, where they await its sad and inexorable final death in the kitchen.

They had a name, such lucky ones, in the secret language of the plant (which seems to be a single one, from onions to blueberries). The proliferation of ten color pens first, and of erotic objects and comforters today, has severely reduced this privilege, and for this reason, we would like to push women and girls to take up the old cucumbers, carrots, celery or whatever, and give them a little pleasure before devouring them.

If you are born vegetarian, as oxen, there is nothing to complain about, but after all, to be a vegetarian by choice is really cruel! It means to indecently take advantage of those wise enough not to oppose, even minimally, Nature and its ruthless rules, nor participate. The more intelligent and talented beings in the world, which never, never, absolutely never, have been wrong and never have been caught in error while traveling, or biting each other, waging epic wars, or eating a rabbit, a badger, a hare or a mole, to have food, or to impose their will of dementia.

They are not, however, accustomed to violence, poor ones, except in very sporadic occasions (once in the century, two at the most), but when it happens even humans can lose their skin.

Even large predators can end between their fangs, so seldom hungry, but absolutely infallible; especially potatoes, they are merciless. And that’s why the tigers and elephants live where the potatoes do not grow.

They do not fail an attack! And that’s why you never hear anyone say: “potatoes (or indigestible leeks, the red strawberries, round blueberries, or so many tough nuts…) wanted to kill me! I’m alive by a miracle!”

If they have decided to feed on you, you’re gone! Fear the chestnut and its curly, articulated medieval chain bat, nuts and their ship-like shell, they are hungry as the most aggressive Brazilian piranhas, fear the bold bay leaf, sharp as halberd, the juniper berries as shotgun pellets, the pink bastard rose, the oak branch, as the kick of an ass, the cruel artichoke…

And when you see a sticker, a children’s book, an animated movie, a video game that reproduce a vegetable singing, or with eyes and mouth, do not take, from now on, the thing lightly…

How do I know all this? Considering that no one, including myself, has ever seen, ever, ever, ever seen fruits and vegetables talk, bite or kick, explore the world wandering on their cramped and shaky legs? I invented it! But like many who invent things that they cannot know, I believe it, and I know I am right! Just as he said and taught, my mentor and teacher, the celebrated Duke of Picatoste and Marquis of Spignolo, great occultist and crazy populist.

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